you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
