I just threw up on my dentist
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
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