I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
