I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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