I smell stomach acid.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
