dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
