Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
