I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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