apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
