He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
