Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
