Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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