Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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