How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize