cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize