Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
