Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize