i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
