ya dads aren't the best wingmen
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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