Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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