woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
