I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
