Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
