I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Randomize
