my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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