2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
