This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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