Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I think i got beer on your cat.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
