My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
