Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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