I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
