Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
