I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
