I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
