I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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