Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Randomize
