Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
There are leaves in my underwear?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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