Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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