The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
