You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
