Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
