got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize