Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
