Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
is that a dick in a sweater?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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