I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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