I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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