how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
