I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
