Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
