I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
