Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
