I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
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