She is in my trunk
Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
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