Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I cut my penus on the lid.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
You pole danced in your parka.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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