So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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